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That one line destroys the whole point of Snake Eyes. Sure, to others it might seem insignificant, but we’re geeks and it sure as hell matters to us. And in one line my tolerance for the film was destroyed. He and Scarlett are hinted at being close in the movie, but with no explanation as to why, but why bother when you can then make her fall for the one man fucktard that is Marlon Wayans’ Ripcord?Įven if you attempt to ignore all of those changes, there was one line delivered towards the end, in a confrontation in which Storm Shadow states that Snake Eyes took a vow of silence when their master was killed. That’s right, little children, with Snake Eyes being homeless and scavenging for food, to then be trained in martial arts. In Rise Of Cobra, Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes are kids. A good story, right? Compelling, tragic, intriguing and completely bastardised in the film. Snake Eyes also suffered in a tragic accident, in which he rescued Scarlett but had his face badly burnt and scarred, which also left him mute. Left standing alone at the airport when his comrades were greeted by their families, he decided to stay with Storm Shadow and study martial arts under the tuition of the Hard Master, until their master was assassinated by what seemed to be Storm Shadow, out of jealousy for the attention given to his friend (as well as Snake Eyes being the more skilled of the two). Storm Shadow saved his life and, on return to the US, Snake Eyes was informed that his mother, father and sister had all been killed in a car crash. The original story behind Snake Eyes was as follows: he and Storm Shadow served in Vietnam together. For all my excitement about Ray Park studying his character, he is not only underused but completely scuppered by the empty attempt at a script. In the truest Hollywood tradition any hope of faithfulness to the original source material is scattered to the wind and burnt.Īlmost every character is defiled and tampered with, which I forgave at first until it was stretched one step too far with my beloved Snake Eyes.
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Joe comics, or cherished the toys as a child, avoid this movie like the plague. That’s it, though.įor anyone that’s ever read a single issue of the G.I. Arnold Vosloo and Sienna Miller seemed to have fun with their characters, Zartan and The Baroness, respectively, Rachel Nichols is very pretty as Scarlett (a character I’ve always had a crush on) and Channing Tatum as Duke didn’t offend me too much. Some of the performances were quite good too. Standing outside the entrance to the screen, we could hear the trailers, but on spotting the bar, grabbed a last beer, inhaled it and took our seats. We had a beer, then some more, then the nerves kicked in and we hit the shots (we weren’t that naive as to not be prepared), then decided to go all out and pay for the most expensive tickets in the cinema (about £20 each), figuring that if you’re going to do something stupid, you might as well go all out. Joe comics of such magnificent geek heights that, should any nearby ‘normals’ have overheard, they would have bled from the ears, before throwing themselves in front of nearby traffic. We sat outside a bar drinking and catching up, having a discussion about the G.I. To briefly recap that day, my friend and I had held back from seeing it on release week so we could co-ordinate a meet up in Leicester Square.
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So, with the DVD about to be released into the atmosphere I decided that the time was finally right to face up the events of that fateful day, when two old friends were violated by the equivalent of cinematic blasphemy.